i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
