i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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