On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
