Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
