the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
