ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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