I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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