i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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