So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
