Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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