Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
