Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
