Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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