apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I enjoy the company of your penis
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize