No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
