doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize