Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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