Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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