my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't put those talents on a resume
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
