I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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