I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
