I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We have so much sex to catch up on
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
