when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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