I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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