remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
