I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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