i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
