I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
