After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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