that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My balls are so social today.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
