i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
