And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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