got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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