Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
