i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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