some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
