god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
