There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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