So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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