Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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