so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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