Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
