I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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