I wanna bring you to show and tell
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize