this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
