i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i believe in u and ur pee
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
