the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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