o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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