Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
