Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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