If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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