dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize