It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
