you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
