I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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