If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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