Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
