i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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