wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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