saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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