The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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