I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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