Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
