I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize