My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
